(Gunpoint) Imagine yourself waking up one day and a gun being pointed straight at your face. What would you do? Do you wonder if it’s your time to leave this earth? Do you think of whom are you going to leave behind? Are you saying to yourself, “I’m a gonna die now?”

Well for me, the feeling that I went through was being tipped over. I couldn’t really understand why this was happening to me. I was a 16-year-old kid who had a supportive family and was well focused in school. The only drawback I had was that I had a problem dealing with friends. I didn’t understand why one day your friends could be so close to you and then the next day they can pull a gun in your face. Does that make sense to you?

After this moment in my life I started to question a lot of things. Is my life worth living if people value it in that way? Growing up I was a helpful soul that went out of his way to do anything for others. Anything. So I asked myself, “Why are these people trying to take me out?” I felt this anger not just with this situation but people trying to do anything to get in my head and suppress my fire. I guess I came out as some little kid with a big dream, and that people were afraid of my light.

After this situation happened, my mental state was on the edge. I thought a lot and I was at the point where my mind took over my body. I felt alone, very alone, and this where trouble started to hit. My support system didn’t exist. No one understood me. It’s like being in the dark with a beaten face shining on others because they can’t take the light. They fear it. Even at my darkest moments I still glowed as an individual. (beaten face) But it took a toll on me. I started going into a deep depression and going in and out of the hospital. Suicidal. Loss of Hope. Scar in my brain. Bleeding. Spit On. Punched. Stabbed and Turned! Penetrating straight to my heart. (deception) All I thought about was leaving this earth. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted out. I tried many times but life didn’t want to escape me.

After going through this turbulent time, it all feels like such a bad dream. Pumping anger into my blood stream giving me gas to fuel my determination. I was looking to prove these people wrong, but the thought of me lying in that hospital bed or in the emergency room holding onto life by a piece of string almost letting go, with flashes of light shining in my face, with my eyes closed, people yelling at the top of their lungs, while shocking my chest to restart my heart holds me back.

It just seems that I could of left at that single moment. I felt my heart was giving way. Beating slower, slower and slower. But for some odd reason I was never meant to go. Several attempts but never aloud. At 18, I could finally say I made a big step to change. I had to look around me and envision a better life. A Positive one. After having support eventually got out of the abyss and started crawling back to the light. I was determined and I chose to never look back. (determination) (elevate) I had to do something about it. I had a calling, and a voice inside me said, “you have to tell your story and express yourself” and from that day I felt laying in this hospital bed I got up and started painting. Even though I got accepted to University of Toronto for Math I told my parents I’m going to art school. That was a big issue for them. But my heart was telling me to go forth and listen to it. (visual pitbull) So I did and my parents supported me. I eventually made my way through Sheridan College, taking Art Fundamentals and then Illustration. Those four years of my life were tests to show me everything I learned in my previous years. Up and Down. Smiles and Frowns. Tears of Sadness and Tears of Joy. (inflate/deflate)

After school my father passed away in my last year of school. It was his dream to see me graduate. But I finished with High Honours gaining lots of friends but mainly the respect of others. Just from speaking my story. My father was such an inspiration to my life. Throughout my life he stuck by me through thick and thin and I know he is watching me today. (fabric of life) His stories live through me and feel I have to express these thoughts and experiences to the world. After finishing Sheridan, I thought I was going to be some rock star artist right off the bat but I became a barber having only 20 bucks in my pocket. Even in this time I realized how meaningful is was to me. It was difficult but there was a message involved.

After - months working in the shop, I made my way to the north of Canada. Canada’s Arctic Nunavut. The land of the beautiful culture of Inuit. It had Beautiful skies, beautiful land, fresh air and kind and humble people. I couldn’t ask for more. I have been blessed. I obtained a job as a graphic designer at one of the Graphic design companies in the north. By being in the north and understanding their culture I built a close relationship to the Inuit people. They became my best friends, my people and my family who taught me how to live in such a way that was simple and full of compassion. (aakuluk) They acknowledged you by simple raise of eyebrows and a glowing smile. It was like my second home (home) or as I could say it “my home - where my hearts at.” By being so close to the north and feeling a part of the community, I observed something that brought me back to my childhood and teenage years. The struggle with suicide.

In Nunavut they have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. And I felt this was my opportunity to share my story. I see kids walking around, hanging out and having nothing to do. I saw myself in all these youth and my heart was bursting and telling me I have to do something about it. I got involved in many ways. I coached basketball at the highschool, I worked as Daycamp leader in the summer, and I worked at the Children’s Group home and I ran breakdance classes at the recreation centre. All these things that I have been doing on my spare time in the north out my free will got me an opportunity to work with Blueprint for Life and the Government of Nunavut with a outreach project for youth called “Connecting Nunavut Youth through Hip Hop.” From this 1 week long workshop that happened in February 2006, I had a chance to be involved and mentor the youth. On day 3 of the project I shared my story with youth and how I’m progressing to day. They were very inspired and touched. From this moment, I saw tears run down their faces and it showed me they connected so well to my story. From there I started speaking at more conferences, performing with the youth in various places and creating art workshops. (alianait 2007)

I’m trying to do anything I can to inspire and eradicate suicide. I have found my mission and now its up to me to carry it out by helping others and at the same time I’m helping myself. Even though at times my past tries to haunt me but I’m grateful to have special people in life to remind to keep going forward. I’m not alone anymore and see others on the same path. But most of all, I run into random kids I don’t know in different communities in Nunavut, acknowledging me, and saying “ HI BLAZE!”. That’s special.

That’s love.

-“A true revolution starts out with great feelings of love”-

Jonathan Cruz is now taking his MFA at the Academy of Art in San Francisco. He is still doing work with Nunavut by working with the government and the youth. Currently, he is working with Sheila Watt-Cloutier – runner up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Inuit Activist for Global warming and Human rights. He plans one day to live in the north again but for now he is on a mission inspire youth , Inuit youth especially, by doing something he loves - Painting. (spirit helper)

www.cruzcontrol.ca

Her

Walking down Main Street,
wrapped up like I was in a cocoon,
She walked by me, and it was if I could
feel her presence swoop in on me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind,
I wondered if she could tune into me
when suddenly she stood in my path
and looked up at me smiling,
her eyes unwavering in question.

Blushing, my pulse quickened, and my breathing got shallower.
She may have just caught me adrift in a ton of moments
and memories that had yet to happen
Cos she came upon me in a happenstance,
and I just happened to be happy.

Connection like electricity
And swirls of purple and pink candy dreams.
I’m thinking of kisses so sweet
as I am wishing on stars
Cos she just maybe my brown-eyed fantasy.

I wanna bare me to you cos I have got nothing to lose
And I want you to know baby that neither do you.
I wanna collect the love we make, wrap it an a ball of yarn
And save it for rainy days,
Days when the whole world seems to wanna bring us down
and unwind it around us like we were each other’s fortresses
Cos the wind blows up my skirt and I can’t help but smile.
Reflexes like a cat, and I said no, thank you sir!
Her fingers interlocked in mine.
Merry we be and merry we shall remain
Cos I swore to the goddess that oppression would never become me.
Our lips locked and yeah, we could paint this town red.
Cos she wants to be my queen, and I wanna be her muse
Cos bjork has got nothing on us for this is pagan poetry.

Lila Rose

Music has a way of easing its way into a persons’ heart without their conscious recognition of it. It has a way of exploding its message deep into the crevices of one’s spirit, heart and mind. Such is the power of art at large.
It is for this reason that I find such strength in the creation and sharing of art, particularly when it is directed towards some greater message or meaning.
Not that I chose my path with these ideas in mind, it is simply that I have always cared deeply for environmental and social justice issues, and it just so happened that I always had a tune in my head to match my emotional experiences of the world around me.

It is true; I have always been an activist- truly from day one. From living a life of deep sensitivity towards equality and respect of all life, to later in life volunteering and working for various NGO’s, environmental/animal rights/social justice groups and organizations.
It is also true- I have always been a musician. Old cassette tapes with a sweet pure young voice rant and rave about the beauty of the rivers, trees and animals. My life as a dedicated musician began 3 years ago due to a series of lucky coincidences. The journey so far has been beautiful, inspirational, and most certainly bumpy at times.

Being a musician is one thing. Being, and trying to make it as musician with a message is another. It has been a journey to find the balance between the two interests and passions, and my learning continues every day on how to integrate the two on the most effective level. When dealing with mass culture, one might recognize that much of the population really does not want to hear any more about all of the issues and obstacles we are faced with as a planet. We already have our own personal battles, and so many of us tune out to the important issues facing us every day.
This is where the clever little activist comes into play. There are many different types of “music makin’ activists”. There are the blatantly political, outspoken activists who drench our music with clear messages (we generally have a following of other righteous activists who feel the same way already), there are those of use who whisper the words of revolution softly within our melodies (we often can’t find the politics within it), and then there are those of us who try to find a fine balance between the two worlds.
I have myself come to a place within the few years of my experience as a “professional” musician (meaning trying to live off of it, dedicating most of my time to it) where I recognize the importance of this balance. I do have my list of spoken word rants about the IMF, the WTO, and about the destruction of our planet, but these days I have been attempting more of a gentler approach. Don’t get me wrong- tomorrow night I play a fundraiser for Global Aware, in which I fully intend to belt my politics loud and clear.
It is however my goal to touch many minds and hearts along the way. I always love playing for a room full of activists who feel just as passionately about the issues as I do, but I also feel it is my task to reach those who have never had access to the kind of information of education I intend to share through my music. It is my task to teach people about what’s happening through an enjoyable, artistic, heart opening experience. To open ever so slightly the minds of those individuals who are generally the hardest to reach.
This balance I speak of is a fine line. It is particularly difficult within the music industry. To be able to keep spreading such intense messages while still trying to create a career out of it all.
It is my goal to continue learning about this balance, to continue performing and sharing as much as possible, and to take my creations around the world to explore new sounds and inspirations . I hope to become sustainable through my art so that I might dedicate myself solely to the process of creating change through music.