(Gunpoint) Imagine yourself waking up one day and a gun being pointed straight at your face. What would you do? Do you wonder if it’s your time to leave this earth? Do you think of whom are you going to leave behind? Are you saying to yourself, “I’m a gonna die now?”

Well for me, the feeling that I went through was being tipped over. I couldn’t really understand why this was happening to me. I was a 16-year-old kid who had a supportive family and was well focused in school. The only drawback I had was that I had a problem dealing with friends. I didn’t understand why one day your friends could be so close to you and then the next day they can pull a gun in your face. Does that make sense to you?

After this moment in my life I started to question a lot of things. Is my life worth living if people value it in that way? Growing up I was a helpful soul that went out of his way to do anything for others. Anything. So I asked myself, “Why are these people trying to take me out?” I felt this anger not just with this situation but people trying to do anything to get in my head and suppress my fire. I guess I came out as some little kid with a big dream, and that people were afraid of my light.

After this situation happened, my mental state was on the edge. I thought a lot and I was at the point where my mind took over my body. I felt alone, very alone, and this where trouble started to hit. My support system didn’t exist. No one understood me. It’s like being in the dark with a beaten face shining on others because they can’t take the light. They fear it. Even at my darkest moments I still glowed as an individual. (beaten face) But it took a toll on me. I started going into a deep depression and going in and out of the hospital. Suicidal. Loss of Hope. Scar in my brain. Bleeding. Spit On. Punched. Stabbed and Turned! Penetrating straight to my heart. (deception) All I thought about was leaving this earth. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted out. I tried many times but life didn’t want to escape me.

After going through this turbulent time, it all feels like such a bad dream. Pumping anger into my blood stream giving me gas to fuel my determination. I was looking to prove these people wrong, but the thought of me lying in that hospital bed or in the emergency room holding onto life by a piece of string almost letting go, with flashes of light shining in my face, with my eyes closed, people yelling at the top of their lungs, while shocking my chest to restart my heart holds me back.

It just seems that I could of left at that single moment. I felt my heart was giving way. Beating slower, slower and slower. But for some odd reason I was never meant to go. Several attempts but never aloud. At 18, I could finally say I made a big step to change. I had to look around me and envision a better life. A Positive one. After having support eventually got out of the abyss and started crawling back to the light. I was determined and I chose to never look back. (determination) (elevate) I had to do something about it. I had a calling, and a voice inside me said, “you have to tell your story and express yourself” and from that day I felt laying in this hospital bed I got up and started painting. Even though I got accepted to University of Toronto for Math I told my parents I’m going to art school. That was a big issue for them. But my heart was telling me to go forth and listen to it. (visual pitbull) So I did and my parents supported me. I eventually made my way through Sheridan College, taking Art Fundamentals and then Illustration. Those four years of my life were tests to show me everything I learned in my previous years. Up and Down. Smiles and Frowns. Tears of Sadness and Tears of Joy. (inflate/deflate)

After school my father passed away in my last year of school. It was his dream to see me graduate. But I finished with High Honours gaining lots of friends but mainly the respect of others. Just from speaking my story. My father was such an inspiration to my life. Throughout my life he stuck by me through thick and thin and I know he is watching me today. (fabric of life) His stories live through me and feel I have to express these thoughts and experiences to the world. After finishing Sheridan, I thought I was going to be some rock star artist right off the bat but I became a barber having only 20 bucks in my pocket. Even in this time I realized how meaningful is was to me. It was difficult but there was a message involved.

After - months working in the shop, I made my way to the north of Canada. Canada’s Arctic Nunavut. The land of the beautiful culture of Inuit. It had Beautiful skies, beautiful land, fresh air and kind and humble people. I couldn’t ask for more. I have been blessed. I obtained a job as a graphic designer at one of the Graphic design companies in the north. By being in the north and understanding their culture I built a close relationship to the Inuit people. They became my best friends, my people and my family who taught me how to live in such a way that was simple and full of compassion. (aakuluk) They acknowledged you by simple raise of eyebrows and a glowing smile. It was like my second home (home) or as I could say it “my home - where my hearts at.” By being so close to the north and feeling a part of the community, I observed something that brought me back to my childhood and teenage years. The struggle with suicide.

In Nunavut they have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. And I felt this was my opportunity to share my story. I see kids walking around, hanging out and having nothing to do. I saw myself in all these youth and my heart was bursting and telling me I have to do something about it. I got involved in many ways. I coached basketball at the highschool, I worked as Daycamp leader in the summer, and I worked at the Children’s Group home and I ran breakdance classes at the recreation centre. All these things that I have been doing on my spare time in the north out my free will got me an opportunity to work with Blueprint for Life and the Government of Nunavut with a outreach project for youth called “Connecting Nunavut Youth through Hip Hop.” From this 1 week long workshop that happened in February 2006, I had a chance to be involved and mentor the youth. On day 3 of the project I shared my story with youth and how I’m progressing to day. They were very inspired and touched. From this moment, I saw tears run down their faces and it showed me they connected so well to my story. From there I started speaking at more conferences, performing with the youth in various places and creating art workshops. (alianait 2007)

I’m trying to do anything I can to inspire and eradicate suicide. I have found my mission and now its up to me to carry it out by helping others and at the same time I’m helping myself. Even though at times my past tries to haunt me but I’m grateful to have special people in life to remind to keep going forward. I’m not alone anymore and see others on the same path. But most of all, I run into random kids I don’t know in different communities in Nunavut, acknowledging me, and saying “ HI BLAZE!”. That’s special.

That’s love.

-“A true revolution starts out with great feelings of love”-

Jonathan Cruz is now taking his MFA at the Academy of Art in San Francisco. He is still doing work with Nunavut by working with the government and the youth. Currently, he is working with Sheila Watt-Cloutier – runner up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Inuit Activist for Global warming and Human rights. He plans one day to live in the north again but for now he is on a mission inspire youth , Inuit youth especially, by doing something he loves - Painting. (spirit helper)

www.cruzcontrol.ca